2018: being a junior doctor

The first two weeks of 2018 has been good so far I like it.
I turned 23 too this year, which is so weird because I don't feel like I'm an adult enough to be 23. But, here's one thing I realize that when you get older and older, birthday doesn't feel so special anymore.
It just feels like another ordinary day, except you exactly turn a year older.


Looking back to 2017, which was actually the most annoying year of my life when things seemed so in pieces, I'm so grateful that I'm here and doing what I'm doing right now. I'm grateful that I decided to continue my hospital rotation and here I am finally; waking up at 5 AM everyday, spending the whole day at the operation room wearing scrubs and having assisted around 25 surgeries everyday yet eventho I'm tired and my back aches every morning I wake up, I enjoy every bit of the whole process. 
I love the girls in my team. I love the hospital I work in. I love the people in the OR I get to spend time with everyday. I love the whole new experiences I get every single day. And I'm grateful. 


The whole process will take around 20 months until I finish every departments, which I'm sure won't be easy, and to finally be able working as a practicing doctor, I firstly must pass the national examination and take part in an internship program for a year. It's a long process, it's not going to be easy, but I think this is exactly what I want to do. And I'm, once again, grateful for this opportunity and of course, privilege
Insha Allah, I promise I'll do my very best and I'll never take things for granted.

On my 3rd night shift, we had an emergency surgery at 1 AM. There was a knock in our room, telling us to get ready and that time, it struck me that this is what it feels like to work in medical fields.
Your time is no longer yours only.


Lastly, this is a book I just ordered online. After finishing When Breath Becomes Air, I think I should read more books in medicine and finally, I decided to get this copy and I've enjoyed it so far.

Life Update: Letter to 2017


You guys. It's December already. Crazy, isn't it?
I don't want to sound so cliche, but this year has passed so freaking fast I remember I just turned 22 yesterday, but now I'm almost 23. Crazy. Crazy.

And anyways, just like real writers who got their own writer-blocks; I had my own too. That's why I've been abandoning this blog which once I liked so much I never spent a day without opening it. But here I'm back again, trying to gather all of my old self to write.

My life was once a wreck-ship.
Last September, I was finally back to university. For those who might not know, I'm a medical student. I graduated with Bachelor of Medicine last April and I supposed to begin my hospital rotation right away in May, but I decided to take a break for a semester. Why? Because, well, long story short, my parents almost got divorce around that time. I have to admit this, because the hell no, you can say my life is wonderful because I got to travel all the time, but no. No. The reality is that everyone has their own story. This year has been the toughest. 


Remember my eurotrip last May? I had to admit again that it was a runaway trip from reality. Hahahaha yes you can laugh, let's laugh together. 

I even almost decided to leave uni without continuing the hospital rotation, which means that I can't have my 'dr' title, and has been preparing for master degree in UK. Believe it or not, I enrolled to IELTS course, studied for hours and visited a few education agent so then I was going to start my Master in September. It sounds so crazy, like I was running away. Back then I said, 'No - I'm not running away. This is what I feel is right for me. I have to do this. Being a doctor is no longer my dream."
Now, everytime I remember it, all I know for sure that I just lost my path. The future I've dreamt was no longer to be seen and it felt like my castle just crumbled overnight (Taylor's lyrics is just so fit here). 
But, as you can guess, Allah knows what best. 

And I'm forever thankful that I decided to go back to uni. 


My rotation begins in two weeks.
It's just a day after christmas. And I will start in anesthesia department. I'm sooo excited, and nervous, but mostly so excited all at the same time. 
I never regret that I will graduate six months later than the original time, because do we all have our own timezone, don't we?

I got a kitten.
Her name is Alaska. She's so unbelievably adorable. She's now three months old and she just can't stop following me around. I used to really dislike cats, I jumped everytime a cat walking towards me - but I don't know. I guess I have this resolution of 2018 that I wanted to change most of everything in my life. Then I decided to get a kitten. 

December 13.
Taylor Swift turned 28 today. Wow, I still remember vividly ten years ago I was reading a teen magazine about Taylor Swift's 18 birthday party.

Good things. So many good things.
My parents. My new group of friends, who already felt like my own second family. Rainy days. Hours spent reading good books. Many days without Instagram. Being grateful. Him.

Proof.
"He does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear. And one day, you may look back and think to yourself, 'Alhamdulillah it didn't go the way I wanted to' because you may have been blessed with something so much better."

Be Extra.

Like that stranger who holds the door for you at the cafe you previously bought your coffee at.

Like that stranger who asks you if you're okay when they see your face looking all pale.

Like that stranger who smiles at you when you both realized are reading the same book.

Like that stranger who stands up and decides to give you a seat on the train.

Don't you know how much you can change someone's bad day into a happier one or even someone's happy day into the perfect one?

Be extra.

The Controller

One of the things that make our lives miserable is when we try to control everything.
You wont understand everything that's going on in life.
He has a plan and He knows how to bring the good out of it.
Keep going and try to be grateful.
Without gratitude, patience is impossible and without patience, happiness and success is impossible.